Gettin Real

It's now been three months since the cave in....and the break up status is now..."In a relationship...it's complicated".  I felt your eyeballs roll into the back of your head.  "LOL"

Is it complicated or am I just making it complicated?  These past 3 months have been on again/off again with the little white cube we so lovingly call sugar. 

I've been doing some little experiments with myself and my addiction to this little tiny white cube that seems to have quite a huge grip on my very being.  These experiments were things like heading out to Sheridan's, reading the menu board and thinking, "well, you've caved...so what...you can have sugar anytime, anywhere, anyplace with no guilt".  (did I buy or did I fly?)  I bought.  But it was a mini.  That's progress!!!

Then those thoughts of, "head out to the nearest Starbucks and get your little usuals, you've caved in, it's all over, sugar WINS".  (did I buy or did I fly?)  I flew. 

I now realize that sugar is an emotional part of my life.  It's that comfort after a very arduous day or some type of satisfaction after accomplishing a goal. (*laughing*...like the goal of eating whole for a day...*laughing*)

Being without those little white magical granules for those few short weeks, I felt like I had Godzilla-like will power!  The times I "thought" I craved this bandit, the more I could remind myself that I actually felt better without it. 

Remember my little experiments of heading out to my usuals and looking at the menu at the drive-thru?  I found that I didn't want any of that processed incredibleness.  What I really wanted was a lemony libation known as "lemon water".  (I know, I know....groan....but its true!)

With each try at my usuals, my success rate was about 90%.  Meaning that 90% of the time, I didn't cave and order a divinely chocolaty brownie or those oh so delicious chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven with chocolate chips melting all over my fingers.  (licking my chocolaty fingers was a pre-curser to seconds, if you get my drift).

Every day became a great day to try again and if for some reason that little white cube took control, I determined that I wasn't going to let it completely take over and flip me into my old patterns of "I've fallen and I can't get up!" 

Believe me, there were days where I almost had seizures at the thought of missing out on that ultimate bite of sugary goodness!  However....my awareness kicked in and challenged the need vs want scenario and "need" seemed to trump more than the "want". 

Have I totally stopped having sugar now?  Nope.  It's a struggle every day and every day I try to win over those tiny little white granules of magical temptation.  The thing I have noticed more than ever before is that I can stop at 2 cookies where before I couldn't stop after 6! 

For all my little white cube addicts....keep going! 

The Cave In

Week SIX!!! .....ended with a cave in.  Here's what I caved in to...

 So now what?  Do I forget it and just through it all to the wind?  Do I start again with week one?  What will all my cheering section think of me now?  Do I even confess my cave in?  Or do I just keep going like my mentor the turtle? ...he's the guy that never gives up...

Here's what happened~

My week was a week of serious growth and with this growth came a greater awareness of how emotions can trigger places of weakness and vulnerability.  Oh Boy!

My first thought was how I was going to deal with what has been handed to me and still remain true to myself.  How was I going to hold to my goal in "Breaking Free", and if I cave, what then?  Will everyone who has been cheering me on loose faith in me trying again?  Will my friends still support me?  ....head chatter...

So what happened on Saturday?  What lead me to the cave in?   As I sit and think about what happened to cause this shift, I realized that the events of the week caught me and triggered my place of weakiness,  That's what I finally caved in to. 

I didn't feel that the stress I was experiencing was that present, but evidently it was.  It was not just one thing, it was a compilation of a lot of little things that seemed to grow into this heart stopping blood clot of pure insanity. 

Time to sooth!  I head to 'grandmas cupboard', (it's the place where I keep all the grand babies treats), and open the door.  There sits a Costco size container of chocolate covered raisins.  Quickly I close the door and leave to run an errand.  In the checkout line....remember I said that's where you get creamed...well...there sat the double mint gum.  My FAVORITE gum when I was in high school and for years after!!  It called to me with a voice so loud it was double the loudness of the normal temptress. 

As I stand in line, I'm seriously having this conversation in my head...me, "nope.  too much sugar.  I haven't had sugary gum in 15 years and I don't feel the need to have it now".  the voice, "OH....BUT THE MEMORIES!!  BUY ME!"  me, "fine".  So I did.  ...evil temptress....

That first sugary chomp was like eating a spoonful of sugar.  I felt the granules crunch in my teeth as I bit down and swallowed all that minty sugary goodness.  Yet, the memories that flavor triggered made me smile. 

One memory that showed up was me sitting in class with my friend, popping our gum as we chewed on it seeing who could make the most pop sounds before we'd get busted by the teacher for chewing gum in the first place. Talking in the lunch room with this same friend just "chomp" "pop" "chomp" "pop", laughing with this big wad of gum hanging out of our mouths.  Or the time I was just popping my gum and another friend asking me how I made that noise without blowing any bubbles.  Good times! ...except if you hated that popping noise and you were sitting right next to me...  *laughing*

I get home and put my things away.  That cupboard kept calling to me....Inside were those delicious chocolate covered raisins.  Yes!  More memories to recall.  So I open the cupboard and think, "I've already had that sugary gum, it's all over now...just dive in!"

Picking up a handful of those little chocolaty bites, I get a grip and put them all back except for 5.  Yup, five.  That's all I had, believe it or not.  I enjoyed every last one of them.  Biting through that thick layer of chocolate that covered each and every raisin then hitting that raisin flavor and....BAM!  Here came the memories!!   

Raisinettes!  I so remember going to the movies with my friends and ALWAYS getting raisinettes and popcorn.  It was something about the thick coating of chocolate and hitting that chewy raisin center flanked with that buttery warm popcorn that melted the chocolate every so slightly. A symphony in my mouth.  Every time!  How can I control myself now?  Hide and pretend it never happened? 

What I have decided to do now that I've broken the sugar break up code?  I've decided to keep going!  Just like my mentor the turtle.  The only way to failure is to stop trying.  And besides, I wasn't writing Breaking Free for any other reason than to just write about my process.  I wanted to see for myself all the different emotions that came with trying to work through an addiction.  How would I feel if I did cave, how would I work through that, and how would I react.

You know, I didn't feel defeated yet I wondered if I would have let anyone down.  How would this be letting people down?  This is showing real stuff.  The ups and downs of conquering addictions by never giving up!  

My biggest realization was this, "Perfection is not attainable.  Period."  Life is all about the journey and walking through the process of transformation. 

After the cave in, I felt empowered.  I felt that I HAVE control over sugar now.  It doesn't control me.  Yes, I caved in when the temptation came at me like a freight train in the night.  But I didn't binge!  That's the thing! 

In my kitchen I have a saying on my wall, "Binge on Life".  It's been there for years, and now it really rings true.  Life is what brings a person joy!

Meet Crush.  My mentor. 

Big 'Dill'

Week five of my breaking free of the little white cube (sugar) was a big 'dill'!  I learned tons about myself, what and where I want to be in my life. 

I want to live!  I want to be a positive influence to those around me!  I want to be the ONE who has walked through a fire so many struggle to walk through!  Most of all....I want to be HAPPY! 

Yes...I own this song! 

Throughout this past week, I've experienced so many thoughts and feelings about myself.  I can actually say, for the FIRST time in my life, I have gained self respect and I care about me!

Silly?  NO.  Absolutely not!  Did I gain this self respect just by breaking free of the little white cube known as sugar?  YES! YES! and YES!!!  I finally have control of what goes in my body!  Still a struggle...of course it is.  That's why this is such a big 'dill'!

If you were to ask me if I would feel this way when I started this journey, I would not have had an answer for you because I had no idea what this journey would bring.  It's been fascinating to say the least!

I feel lighter as my muscles and bones feel stronger.  Not so weighed down by all the crap I was consuming every dang day.  (I'll post about what healthy additions I've put into my diet to help with the de-toxing later)

On the days where I have setbacks, I turn to my belief system.  I pray for strength and guidance to make the right choices to help me continue on this journey until it leads me to where I need to be.  How long will this take?  No idea.  There in lies the beauty!  The scary unknown.  (which I seem to be embracing for some reason)

Over all......not only am I a big flippin' dill, this whole journey is a big flippin' dill!

Detoxing and Patience Working Together

It's the beginning of week five and quite frankly, I never would have imagined that I could actually commit to something of this magnitude! 

My usuals have become fleeting memories of an out of control existence.  Do I think about them as much, somewhat.  It's not an everyday do or die situation, but I do think about my treat buddies.  Those little gremlins that pull me into that sweet white cube addiction mode, albeit ever so slightly before I get a grip and toss them gratefully into the universe. 

I've been contemplating about the redness that still remains around my eyes.  The swelling is pretty much gone which makes me feel like a beautiful swan postured so confidently on the water.  A swan?  Where did that come from?  Maybe it's because I can hold my head up high and have red circles around my eyes just like a swan who has black circles around her eyes.  Let's call it a trade mark.  Makes it sound so beemingly glorious! 

There is this little word, DETOX, that has so many different responses within the human body and within the human spirit.  I remember my sweet friend Liz who found out that she had a form of cancer that was going to take her no matter what she did.  But what she did do was to discover detoxing her body was the best way to be able to handle the affects of the cancer better.  yes...better.  Cancer has it's own little nasty personality and to continue eating sugar and toxic foods that actually feed cancer, Liz decided to teach cancer a lesson.  I know adrinal cortical carcinoma had no idea who it was dealing with! 

Liz went all raw with her diet and called me and asked me if I would like to go along with her.  Of course!  Was my response.  She knew that we were common in our diets and she needed someone to share in this with her.  A friend.  (her adoring husband was totally supportive, but for us girls, friendship is a pretty big deal.)

As she detoxed, she would call me and tell me that she started getting rashes all over her body and in weird places too.  She would tell me, "I guess this is another process I'm going to have to be patient with".  I could sense her frustration yet I totally admired her steadfastness in being patient through the process.  That's not to say she didn't have her not so patient days!

One of the things Liz discovered was that make-up was the most toxic thing we women use on our bodies.  Especially lip stick and nail polish! Lipstick mostly because we ingest the stuff.  YIKES!! 

Speaking of detoxing, I recently read about a lady who used Young Living Eye Cream on her eyes and they puffed up like crazy.  She continued to use the product as she learned about her eyes detoxing from all that makeup.  Her eyes recovered and she still uses this product today.  Another friend of mine said that her sister used essential oils around her eye orbit and they got all puffy but when she quit using the oils, the puffiness left and all things became normal again.  It kind of all makes sense doesn't it? 

As I learned about these stories of essential oils and swelling orbits, it brought me to a greater understanding of just how toxic our bodies are and how detoxing manifests itself in do many different ways.  The hard part is being patient while we walk around looking like we've become a street fighter without all the bruising. 

Overall, I'm learning and appreciating patience.  Especially the ability to be patient through this process which has moved into a whole nuther sphere.  I would have never expected that detoxing and patience would be a sand box I'd be playing in.  I'm ready.  I'm listening.  I'm engaged. 

Let's see what this week will bring.  We all love surprises don't we?

 

Shedding Light Through A Setback

 

I made it through week FOUR! ...but with another eye encounter... 


THIS was enough to make me want to say, "To HELL with it!  I'm eating whatever I want.  NOTHING seems to be conquering this madness!" 

Truth.  I was very discouraged and seriously thought of re-connecting with my usuals.  I really have missed those bonding moments when we hung out together.  My Starbucks drive thru to pick up a few of my usuals; cake pops or the salted caramel brownie or muffin,  the first tantalizing bite of Haagen daz chocolate peanut butter ice cream, or even a nice hot chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven.  Please excuse me while I get a napkin to wipe the saliva from my chin. 

Through all of this, there was something deeper inside of me that kept me from falling.  My little "you got this" angels that just kept encouraging me to "stay the course", as my father would always say.  Not to mention my sweet little niece who gave her mother a message to give me,  "Mom, tell Karen that if she has one piece of sugar, I'm going to get on a plane and take care of business!"  Oh how I love her sweet way of saying she's going to come kick my trash!

I stayed true; but at the same time, I tried to figure out what was happening.  One doctor, who is very familiar with detoxing, said that as a body detoxes, weird things pop up through the process.  I'll say! 

As I thought more and more, I realized that I am also detoxing my organs. Liver, Spleen, Kidneys...the whole endocrine system is getting to breathe fresh air for the first time in many years.  Each one releasing it's own waste into my system.  That's kind of disgusting if you think of it long enough.  Yuck!

With that, I had a light bulb moment.   (Now when I share this with you, you might say...."Well...duh!  I even knew that!" cut me some slack.  I'm detoxing ok?)  So here's the light bulb.  If all these different organs are releasing their own form of waste into my system to cleanse themselves of all the goo I have so graciously piled on them.   I NEED to be drinking TONS of water to flush my system!  Could that be the reason my eye flared up again?  It would make sense.  I've even thought of a pretty high candida gig going on in my body.  Or maybe it's just seasonal allergies.  *laughing*

I leave you with a few light bulb thoughts: 

Bringing myself into awareness this week of how sugar is my association to living has once again brought me to an even greater understanding of how difficult habits and patterns are to break free of.  Especially when things aren't going according to plan.  My decision is this.  Habits and patterns are just part of who we have become and who we have learned from; friends, family, whomever.  That's it.  It's up to us to create and make a difference in our own lives.

And lastly, This quote sums it up ~~ "Many of lifes failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up".  ~Thomas Alva Edison

...I don't want to be one of those people...

Bombarded

Can I say this any louder?  THIS is one of my strongest weaknesses.  If that makes any sense.  To top it off, summer is coming and this vice is my cool down usual on a 100% humidity 95 degree day! 

Through my third week of my Breaking Free of the white cube, I really came to realize that we are all bombarded with sugar no matter where we go!

Parties, gatherings at the parks for a grand BBQ, we drive by bakeries, cup cake shops, and the grocery store....don't get me started!  It's on practically every isle and creams you at the checkout counter!

Let's chat a little bit about holidays.  Easter is coming up and next to Christmas, and Halloween, it's the biggest creator of sugary goodness!  I try every year to change that with my grandchildren, but alas....there's nothing more important than those squishy marshmallow bunnies!  NOTHING!!  ....they are my fave!...

Is dissolving the cube thing getting easier?  In some respects it is.  The "reward" after good performance or the "soothing" after a rough day is still very much a reality.  A constant battle of wills...mind trying to take over the will of the spirit so to speak.  Yet I hear my spirit remind me about how much better I feel without it and it's not really what I want.  ....yes...I am listening!

Living a healthy life is just more than giving it lip service or thinking about changing; it's totally about ACTION.  It's about being OK giving up the things you think you love to become the person you truly love because you actually FEEL and FIND love for yourself in the process.

 BREAK FREE ~ FIND and LOVE YOURSELF!  Regardless of how long it takes!

More White Stuff!

Week one was loaded with all sorts of addiction reactions! My cravings for my usuals became almost overwhelming!  I needed to act and FAST!  So what would this sugar substitute be?  MORE WHITE STUFF!!

My new addiction became white breads.  Rolls, Hot Dog Buns with peanut butter and honey (yes.  honey.  I wasn't attacking the natural raw sugars, just the processed crap), Hoggie sandwiches...on WHITE rolls, pasta, and PIZZA!  OHHHH Glory be to the Italian for opening the Four Seasons Pizzeria....just down the street.

 

 

Mind you; my whole life has been geared to whole grains and all things raw and good, so this white stuff craving was something completely out of character for me. 

 

This week I had to deal with the realization that I am an emotional eater.  (Something I've been denying for years.) The things that I used to sooth stress, feelings of being unworthy, no value to my life, depression, anger, and boredom was sweet treats.  Not so much gorging on copious amounts of food or consuming an entire 9x13 pan of brownies, but just having any form of sugar 1-3 times a day, everyday. 

 

I had overwhelming amounts of inflammation, my tired body and mind, depression, all those feelings of worthlessness, frustration and emotions that were unexplained were all exacerbated by my consumption of sugar.  Mentally I knew this, physically I felt this, but breaking free of the habits and patterns was the hard part! 

 

Another point of awareness is how my body feels coming off this stuff.  Every joint, every muscle, every cell in my body and my endocrine system is letting me know how badly I abused my body.  I think these parts of me are united in their goal of heavy communication with my brain to get me to change my patterns.  I am now listening! 

 

Let me share with you what I did this week to help conquer this madness.  With every opportunity to consume white flour, I consumed it.  As I ate it I had communication with my spirit.  Oh yes!  We've had many conversations this week on how to move through the white powder.  But I was not going to attack that monster while fighting the white cube!  One step at a time!

 

It's almost like my spirit is saying to me, "Is this what you really want?"  The answer to this question is a resounding NO!  Each minute of each hour of each day I was asked this question.  And every time the answer remained NO.  This is not what I want, this is a habit, a way to give myself permission to eat whatever I wanted as long as it wasn't any of my usuals. 

 

I do believe my patterns are lessening as time passes.  I'm enjoying the true tastes of foods.  Really, you ask?  YES!  Food tastes different when your body isn't racked with the effects of sugar.  Who knew? 

 

I think that the biggest awareness since my break-up is that addictions of any kind comes with a price. It takes an absolute toll on the body and mind and to conquer any addiction!  I HAD to FIRST be true to myself and be ok with accepting and owning my part in how bad I felt. 

 

Anyone recovering from addiction needs a true support system. My support system, believe it or not, were all my peeps on Face Book and close friends.  Just having their support and encouragement and high fives was so valuable to me. Addiction is a tough row to hoe!!! I live in gratitude every day because of my peeps! To all of you, I say THANK YOU!

 

Through all the ups and downs emotionally in breaking free of the white cube, I found this quote from Picasso and as I read it, I realized that ACTION is the key to anything we do in and with our lives.  Without action, there can be no progression.  ~and so it is~

 

 

 

 



What brought me here

 

THIS was how I woke up on February 22, 2014.  To top it all off, I had to head out to help my friend with a bridal show at Powell Gardens in MO.  Yes!  THIS was how I looked when I left to go to that show.  My job was to give out CAKE samples.  Oh sure....I'd love to!  Hook me up!!
 

It was on this day that I determined that soothing my stressful life with sugar had to come to an end.  There would be no more driving through Starbucks to have that delicious Hot Caramel Apple Cider, Hot Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, the all too delicious Salted Caramel Brownie, cake pops, monster cookies (which I LOVE from Whole Foods), cakes, more cookies (chocolate chip is a fave), sugar drinks, soda, chocolate (of any kind), ice cream (my biggest weakness during the holidays is the Haagen Daz Peppermint Bark Ice Cream and my usual....Chocolate Peanut Butter!!!) plate after plate of holiday cookies from friends, biscotti dipped in chocolate, pastries, chocolate milk, ohhhh the list is ENDLESS! 

Maybe this is why I decided to call this blog, "Breaking Free".  I need to break free from this addiction!  The reason I made the blog address "disolvingthecube" is because it is going to take time to dissolve this addiction which I relate to the solid and all mighty sugar cube.  Here we go....


My first week was simply hell.  ALL I thought about was sugar.  I dreamed sugar.  I drove my car past my sweet stops and thought of how much I was going to miss having my usuals.  The grocery store!  What a nightmare!!!  Everywhere I looked there was sugary goodness staring me right in the face and all I could hear was, "you're here alone, eat it in your car and dispose of the evidence and still claim sugar victory!"  LIES!  How in the world could I or SHOULD I confess to be off sugar in word but still consuming my usuals in body?  NOT GONNA DO IT! 


The thing that I believe got me through the first week was how aweful I felt.  My face was swollen and my body was itching.  I HAD to make this choice be real! 
 

Here's what I consumed during my cravings;  COPIOUS amounts of blackberries.  I mean, I ate 1-2 little cartons a day!  I ate all sorts of fruits; apples, oranges, bananas, and even frozen fruits.  Natural sugars, one might say that naturall sugars are still sugars and can still do things to the body.  Well...getting off natural sugars wasn't the goal.  The goal was getting off and busting through the white stuff.  The processed junk foods that create addiction. 


My friend emailed me a recipe for a pink smoothie which I found to be a life saver!  It was made with Coconut water, dates, frozen strawberries, carrots, and a piece of a beet.  It SAVED me!!  It was delicious! 


I have sweet treats in my cupboard for my littles that come to grandmas house.  All grandmas have sweet treats!  Ask me if that wasn't a difficult task to stay out of those delicious little sweet morsals!!  But I DID IT!! 


Yes!  I'm well on my way now.  I am, however understanding much more about recovering from addictions than I ever thought I would.  I'll post that in my next chaper in Breaking Free.