Here's what happened~
My week was a week of serious growth and with this growth came a greater awareness of how emotions can trigger places of weakness and vulnerability. Oh Boy!
My first thought was how I was going to deal with what has been handed to me and still remain true to myself. How was I going to hold to my goal in "Breaking Free", and if I cave, what then? Will everyone who has been cheering me on loose faith in me trying again? Will my friends still support me? ....head chatter...
So what happened on Saturday? What lead me to the cave in? As I sit and think about what happened to cause this shift, I realized that the events of the week caught me and triggered my place of weakiness, That's what I finally caved in to.
I didn't feel that the stress I was experiencing was that present, but evidently it was. It was not just one thing, it was a compilation of a lot of little things that seemed to grow into this heart stopping blood clot of pure insanity.
Time to sooth! I head to 'grandmas cupboard', (it's the place where I keep all the grand babies treats), and open the door. There sits a Costco size container of chocolate covered raisins. Quickly I close the door and leave to run an errand. In the checkout line....remember I said that's where you get creamed...well...there sat the double mint gum. My FAVORITE gum when I was in high school and for years after!! It called to me with a voice so loud it was double the loudness of the normal temptress.
As I stand in line, I'm seriously having this conversation in my head...me, "nope. too much sugar. I haven't had sugary gum in 15 years and I don't feel the need to have it now". the voice, "OH....BUT THE MEMORIES!! BUY ME!" me, "fine". So I did. ...evil temptress....
That first sugary chomp was like eating a spoonful of sugar. I felt the granules crunch in my teeth as I bit down and swallowed all that minty sugary goodness. Yet, the memories that flavor triggered made me smile.
One memory that showed up was me sitting in class with my friend, popping our gum as we chewed on it seeing who could make the most pop sounds before we'd get busted by the teacher for chewing gum in the first place. Talking in the lunch room with this same friend just "chomp" "pop" "chomp" "pop", laughing with this big wad of gum hanging out of our mouths. Or the time I was just popping my gum and another friend asking me how I made that noise without blowing any bubbles. Good times! ...except if you hated that popping noise and you were sitting right next to me... *laughing*
I get home and put my things away. That cupboard kept calling to me....Inside were those delicious chocolate covered raisins. Yes! More memories to recall. So I open the cupboard and think, "I've already had that sugary gum, it's all over now...just dive in!"
Picking up a handful of those little chocolaty bites, I get a grip and put them all back except for 5. Yup, five. That's all I had, believe it or not. I enjoyed every last one of them. Biting through that thick layer of chocolate that covered each and every raisin then hitting that raisin flavor and....BAM! Here came the memories!!
Raisinettes! I so remember going to the movies with my friends and ALWAYS getting raisinettes and popcorn. It was something about the thick coating of chocolate and hitting that chewy raisin center flanked with that buttery warm popcorn that melted the chocolate every so slightly. A symphony in my mouth. Every time! How can I control myself now? Hide and pretend it never happened?
What I have decided to do now that I've broken the sugar break up code? I've decided to keep going! Just like my mentor the turtle. The only way to failure is to stop trying. And besides, I wasn't writing Breaking Free for any other reason than to just write about my process. I wanted to see for myself all the different emotions that came with trying to work through an addiction. How would I feel if I did cave, how would I work through that, and how would I react.
You know, I didn't feel defeated yet I wondered if I would have let anyone down. How would this be letting people down? This is showing real stuff. The ups and downs of conquering addictions by never giving up!
My biggest realization was this, "Perfection is not attainable. Period." Life is all about the journey and walking through the process of transformation.
After the cave in, I felt empowered. I felt that I HAVE control over sugar now. It doesn't control me. Yes, I caved in when the temptation came at me like a freight train in the night. But I didn't binge! That's the thing!
In my kitchen I have a saying on my wall, "Binge on Life". It's been there for years, and now it really rings true. Life is what brings a person joy!
Meet Crush. My mentor.
